TIRED OF IT ALL

NOBODY CARES. I SHOULD HAVE JUST DIED THE NIGHT I SLIT MY WRISTS AND GOTTEN IT OVER WITH. I AM TIRED OF ALL OF THIS AND TIRED OF TRYING. I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE HAS DESERTED ME INCLUDING GOD. HE GIVES ME ALL THIS STUFF, BROKEN FOOT, MENTAL ISSUES AND MY FEMALE ISSUES NOW IT'S JUST TOO MUCH. I DON'T KNOW HOW HE EXPECTS ME TO HANDLE ALL OF THIS AT ONCE. I CAN'T DO IT. I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

I HAVE BEGGED MY HUBBY TO TAKE ME BACK TO THE HOSPITAL. I CANNOT HANDLE IT OUT HERE. I CANNOT HANDLE IT WITH OUT SUPPORT AND SO FAR I HAVE HAD VERY LITTLE.

WE'VE TRIED TO FIND A SUPPORT GROUP AND CAN'T FIND A CHRISTIAN ONE THAT DOESN'T LEAVE US LEAVING FEELING WORSE THAN WE CAN IN. FEELING MORE DEPRESSED AND HOPELESS THAN WHEN WE CAME IN. WE HAVE JOKINGLY SAID WE WOULD HAVE TO START OUR OWN SUPPORT GROUP, BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE'D WE WOULD HAVE IT. I WOULDN' T WANT STRANGERS IN MY HOME.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I AM TIRED OF IT ALL. TIRED OF LOSING FRIENDS, THAT HURTS MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE, AND TIRED OF THE PAIN ETC FROM THE BROKEN FOOT AND THE FEMALE PAIN. THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO SCHEDULE A SURGERY FOR THAT BUT SO FAR WE HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD.

ANYHOW. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH TODAY. I THINK I WILL JUST GO TO SLEEP AND SLEEP THE REST OF THE DAY. AT LEAST THAT WAY I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT ALL.

Very Depressed Today

Am very depressed today. Don't know why. Guess part of it is losing a friend. I do have one happy thing, another friend knows now and she says she will continue to be my friend, which I appreciate more than she will ever know. I have written and written another friend and there has been no response. Even called and left a message and nothing. So I don't know what to think of that.

I am not sure I am going to church tomorrow. I don't feel like I can hardly stand being there with some people being my friends and some not. I just don't know what to do. I just feel so lost and left out.

We have no small group to go to. Hubby is not ready for one small group we could join. We thought of starting our own, but nobody seems to want to come to it. So, hubby and I are just going to do our own thing. We have a Bible study on the Armor of God that we bought to do, so we will probably just do that.

I am really struggling with church and all. I just don't know what to do. I don't know who has read my blog or how they feel,except for the one girl who says she will still be my friend. That is the relationship that I think God is healing, which I am thankful for.

Well, I guess that's it for now. Have been in terrible pain today, but still have no surgery date scheduled. I hope I will find out monday. I know it may be a while before the surgery but at least we'll have a date to look towards.

You all take care. Love you.

Hanging On

i get to go up to 75mg of the lamictal on monday. i can hardly wait. hubby says he notices a difference, but today has been a bad day. very depressed and lot of crying. told him i would rather go back into the hospital than be out here, its just too hard being out here. too much pain and hurt. i see my counselor on april 1st and my shrink on april 2nd, so i am trying to hang on til then.

please pray for me. i need it badly. i have really hung myself out there and just a few have answered back. i feel like God is healing one relationship with one person, hopefully it will continue to heal after she reads about being diagnosed bipolar II. hopefully she will still stick around and we can continue to heal our relationship.

my foot is "technically" broken. it has tiny fractures in it that are making it so painful. left it in the funny "shoe" for another month. go back on the 25th to see if its healed any, if not, i don't know what they will do.

am waiting to be scheduled for a laproscopy for endometreosis. but it could take 3-6 weeks to get it scheduled. pray its really sooner because i can't take the pain and i am sure my docs are tired of writing scripts for pain medicine.

guess thats it for now. just a bad night emotionally wise. depressed. it will get better. i need some sleep which will help.

thanks for the prayers. love you all.

DISCLOSURE

I WASN’T SURE THE DAY WOULD EVER COME WHEN I WOULD WRITE ABOUT THIS ON MY BLOG, BUT IT SEEMS TO HAVE COME TO A POINT WHERE IT NEEDS TO BE WRITTEN BECAUSE OF THE RELATIONSHIPS THAT ARE AFFECTED. I HAVE ALREADY LOST ONE FRIEND BECAUSE OF IT AND I DON’T WANT TO LOSE ANYMORE, SO I AM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. THEN, IF ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK THEM. I WON’T BE OFFENDED BY THEM.

BECAUSE OF PERSONAL REASONS, ON FEBRUARY 28TH I SLIT MY WRISTS. NOW THEY WEREN’T THAT BAD THAT I NEEDED STITCHES OR WAS IN DANGER OF DYING BECAUSE NONE OF THAT WAS THE CASE. I THINK YOU CAN SEE THE SCARS, BUT MY HUBBY SAYS I WILL ALWAYS SEE THE SCARS WHETHER THEY ARE THERE OR NOT.
ON FEBRUARY 29TH, WE GOT UP FROM BED AND WENT TO SEE OUR PASTOR. WE TALKED WITH HIM FOR A WHILE AND THEN DECIDED I NEEDED TO GO TO OSU (OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL) TO BE CHECKED OUT BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. MY WRISTS WERE FINE AND I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO KEEP THEM BANDAGED THAT LONG.

I CHECKED MYSELF INTO OSU HARDING PYSCHIATRIC HOSPITAL BECAUSE I FELT LIKE I NEEDED SOME HELP. I COULDN’T CONTROL MY EMOTIONS ANYMORE AND I WANTED TO HURT MYSELF AND HAD UNINTENTIONALLY HURT OTHERS.
SO, I SPENT FROM THE 29TH OF FEBRUARY TIL THE 6TH OF MARCH IN THE PSYCHIATRIC HOSPITAL WHERE THEY DIAGNOSED ME AS BEING BIPOLAR II.
THAT MEANS THAT I AM DEPRESSED FOR DAYS OR WEEKS AND THEN I AM HAPPY OR “HIGH” FOR DAYS OR WEEKS. ITS NOT AS BAD AS REGULAR BIPOLAR WHERE PEOPLE ARE DEPESSED AND MANIC (HIGH) FOR MONTHS. MINE ISN’T THAT BAD.

I AM ON MEDICATION AND HUBBY HAS ALREADY NOTICED A DIFFERENCE. ALSO, I SEE A SHRINK FOR THE MEDICATION AND A COUNSELOR TO DEAL WITH BEING BIPOLAR II AS WELL AS ALL THE JUNK THAT HAS HAPPENED IN MY LIFE THAT SHOULD BE DEALT WITH.

HUBBY AND I WILL ALSO BE SEEING A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR TO DEAL WITH THE BIPOLAR STUFF BUT ALSO TO DEAL WITH JUNK FROM THE PAST THAT NEEDS TO BE DEALT WITH.

SO, NOW THAT YOU ALL KNOW, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS OF EITHER ONE OF US (FOR THOSE WHO LIVE CLOSE TO US HERE) EVEN THOSE WHO DON'T LIVE CLOSE CAN ASK QUESTIONS. I HOPE THAT IT DOESN’T DRIVE ANY MORE OF YOU AWAY. I HOPE THAT YOU WILL TRY TO UNDERSTAND AND HAVE COMPASSION WITH BOTH OF US. THIS WAS NOT EASY TO TELL, BUT LIKE I SAID, I FELT IT HAD COME TO A POINT THAT IT NEEDED TO BE TOLD.

AS I HAVE SAID, ESPECIALLY FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO LIVE HERE WITH US, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO ASK QUESTIONS OF EITHER ONE OF US AND WE WILL TRY TO ANSWER THEM THE BEST THAT WE CAN.

WE LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

Doc Visit

WELL, WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE NEW GYN. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH AN EXAM ( I THANK GOD FOR THAT). HAVE HAD 4 EXAMS IN 4 WEEKS, I'D HAD ENOUGH.

ANYWAY, WE TOLD HER WE WANTED A LAPROSCOPY(SP?) AND SHE AGREED WITH US. SHE SAID I'D HAD EVERY OTHER TEST THAT COULD BE DONE, THAT WAS THE NEXT STEP. WE WERE THRILLED. HOWEVER WE WERE NOT THRILLED THAT IT COULD BE 3 - 6 WEEKS BEFORE IT COULD BE DONE. IT IS MINOR SURGERY AND WILL BE DONE AT RIVERSIDE. I WILL GO IN IN THE MORNING COME HOME THE SAME DAY, IN THE AFTERNOON. IF IT IS ENDOMETREOSIS, I AM CHOOSING TO HAVE ALL MY PARTS TAKEN OUT. THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS, BUT BASED ON MY FAMILY PAST, THAT'S THE BEST OPTION FOR ME.

IF IT IS NOT ENDOMETREOSIS, THERE ARE OTHER ORGANS IN THAT AREA THAT WILL NEED TO BE LOOKED OUT. SO PLEASE PRAY THAT IT'S ENDOMETREOSIS AND THAT WE CAN DO THE FULL HYSTERECTOMY AND BE DONE WITH IT.

ALSO PRAY THAT WE WILL GET IN SOONER THAN 3-6 WEEKS BECAUSE I WILL HAVE TO STAY ON PAIN MEDICINE THAT LONG TO FUNCTION AND I DON'T WANT TO BE.

SO, THAT'S THE NEWS FOR THE DAY. AT LEAST WE ARE GETTING SOMEWHERE. WILL LET YOU KNOW WHEN THE LAPROSCOPY (SP?) IS SCHEDULED FOR WHEN IT IS SCHEDULED.

IN THE MEAN TME, PLEASE KEEP US IN YOUR PRAYERS.

LOVE YA'LL.

Another ER Visit

Hi all. Well, we ended up in the er last night from the pain I am in in the female area. They didn't do anything but dope me up and send me home with better pain medicine to help me get through to the new gyn on this Thursday.

I have been tested for just about everything under the sun, so we are going to ask that the doc to please order the test for endometreosis. It is a minor surgery, but they go in and see what is going on in there. I am ready for it and if that's what it is, I am ready for everything to be taken out. The pain has been so bad I have cried and cried at times.

I have read alot in "Stepping Heavenward" today and started "I Talk Back to the Devil". They both have helped me alot. Also have been reading a little thing on Job that a dear sister loaned to me. All of these are helping me and God and I are getting back to where we should be. I just don't understand why He has given me all of this to deal with. How much does He think I can take?? Cause I think I am at my breaking point.

Anyhow, hubby is working on the truck. It needed a new alternator. We have been borrowing it from the in-laws (as they have graciously loaned it to us) so that I can have a vehicle to get around in. However, my father in law told us last night that he has someone who is interested in it and wants to look at it this weekend. I know they need to sell it but I don't know what I will do if they do sell it. I desperately need a vehicle because of many things I am getting involved in and also starting school this fall. Plus, just being stuck in the house all day every day would NOT be a good thing for me at all. I would like a truck or a basic Jeep. They have to have air conditioning though because of my fibro because I can't handle the heat in the summer. I would also like a CD player, but it's not an absolute need. So, if anyone knows of anything at not a bad price, please let me know.

Hubby has taken excellent care of me today and has been patient with me as I am dealing with this pain. He stayed home from work today because we didn't get home from the hospital til after 3am. Ugh.

Anyhow, I guess that's it. God is working on me, I can feel it. And I feel He is healing a relationship that needs healed. I am thankful for that. Please continue to pray for the female situation and that we will find answers or at least directions to finding answers on Thursday.

Thanks you all for listening. Love to all.

Not So Good of a Day

Its not been so good of a day. My hubby and I had "discussions" this morning that left us feeling awful. And the female pain has gotten worse. The pain medicine I have isn't working so well anymore and I don't have enough to make it to Thursday's appointment. I seriously think I will end up at the hospital before Thursday its that bad.

I have been struggling with alot of other things today. God and I have been having some serious discussions today about some things that have been happening lately. I have been a little angry at Him.

I have 3 books I have been given lately. Right now I am reading "Stepping Heavenward" by Mrs. E. Prentiss. It is an excellent book given to me by a dear friend and I am enjoying reading it immensely. The other book I have been given to read is a borrowed book. It's "I Talk Back to the Devil" by A.W. Tozer. A very good friend loaned that to me to read and I think I really need it right now. The 3rd book is in the kitchen and as I am trying to relax in bed with the heating pad, I am not going to get up to get it. I don't know what it will be like, and am not a big fan of the author, but will give the book a chance as it was given to me by my Pastor.

I am really looking forward to reading the Tozer book and highly recommend "Stepping Heavenward" to anyone to read. It is just such a good book. I am so glad that my dear friend gave it to me. He started it by bringing it to me while I was in the hospital with my migraines and would read to me. He came all the nights I was in and read to me and that meant the world to me. Also it was relaxing which was helpful when suffering from migraines. Anyhow, I highly recommend it to all and hope that you will find it and buy it and read it. Even though it was written 2 centuries ago, it still applies today, I think.

Well, I guess that's it for today. Continue to pray for me for this pain situation. I am desperate with the pain. I pray I can make it til Thursday and not have to go to the hospital.

Thanks for your prayers. Hope y'all had a good day.

So Much Pain

Tonight I am feeling lousy. I have been asleep for a couple of hours. My pain in my female area today has been so bad that I couldn't stand up straight this morning to go to Easter services which made me sad. I really wanted to go and heard we missed a fabulous service which makes me more sad.

I laid right here with the heating pad for a while after taking some pain medicine. We managed to make it to a planned lunch with friends. But, by the time we were supposed to go to my husbands family dinner, I was in a foul mood and in so much pain again I could hardly stand it. Needless to say, we didn't go. We came home and I took more pain medicine (it'd been 6 hours), put on my jammies and climbed into bed with the heating pad once again.

Those are the only two things that help. Pain medicine and heat. I see my new gyn on thursday and right now I am not sure I am going to make til thursday the pain is so bad. I just don't know what to do.

I ask that all of you out there pray for me, especially for the next few days to be able to get through them without too much pain until I can see the doctor.

I am just to the point where I am getting desperate about this. I thought hubby was going to have to take me to the hospital earlier. Not sure we won't end up there yet before thursday. So, just please pray.

Thanks guys. Love you all.

We Believe!

Another excellent devotional from Daily Bread. Have a Blessed Easter to All!

March 23, 2008
We Believe
ODB RADIO: Listen Now DownloadREAD: Romans 8:11-18
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who . . . has begotten us again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ. —1 Peter 1:3
In 2005, Hurricane Katrina put New Orleans underwater. But an unlikely event gave the city a new lease on life just 17 months later. The New Orleans Saints, a perennially woeful football team, made a run at the Super Bowl championship. The whole region grasped the excitement. Signs saying “We Believe” reflected a new day.
Commenting on the phenomenon, producer Quint Davis said, “When the season is over, the miles of devastation are still going to be devastated.” But he added, “If this can happen for New Orleans, this miracle, then anything can happen for New Orleans.”
The Saints fell one game short, but the idea remained enticing. An “impossibility” had so captured the hearts of a people, they began thinking anything was possible.
In an infinitely more important way, this is what we have in Jesus’ bodily resurrection from the dead. Christ defeated death on mortality’s own turf, declaring the power of God to give us new life and hope. Paul wrote, “He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you” (Rom. 8:11).
No other event in human history is more significant. No other event is so full of immediate hope and ultimate victory for the saints in Christ Jesus. — Mart De Haan

Jesus Christ today is risen,And o’er death triumphant reigns;He has burst the grave’s strong prison,Leading sin herself in chains. —Luther

Christ’s resurrection is the bud of promise—our resurrection is the flower of fulfillment!