Good Morning.

I am sitting here with a heating pad on my tummy and drugs in my system. My female area (sorry fellows) is in such pain today. I am supposed to hear today from the doc what the ultrasound showed. It wasn't a regular ultrasound. I have been waiting since tuesday to hear something. Hubby says if they haven't called by noon that I should call them since I hurt so badly.

I did sleep well last night after I stopped crying. I just felt so bad about the friend thing. I woke up this morning at my normal time which was good, but am sleepy from the pain medicine. I hope they decide something soon, I am running out of pain medicine.

I feel depressed today, which I guess is normal, up and down. I am sure the pain and what ever female wise is going on is not helping any.

Some days I feel like such a freak and like it's tattooed on my forehead what I have and that makes people run away. ( I do have real tattoos). I don't know what I would do without my hubby. He has been such a big support and knows when I need a hug and some attention and when to leave me alone.

I want to tell my brother but don't know how. I called my mom last night to see if she had any ideas. She wanted to think about it and email me. Haven't heard from her yet.

My favorite song has been running through my head "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" by Simon and Garfunkel(sp?). I would post the song cause I have the words, but don't know if I would get into trouble franchise wise. Anyhow, if you don't know the song, look it up. Its my depressive song.

The sun is shining here today and it's 48 degrees. It looks nice I bet it will feel warm. I will probably take the dog out for a pee break sometime around noon. The snow is melting and its supposed to rain this weekend, so there will probably be flooding everywhere. Our rivers are already high. Pray that nobody is hurt or killed during all this.

Well, I guess I have blabbed enough. Just wanted to talk.

Hope everyone has a great day. Be safe. Pray for me with this female stuff, it really is painful. Thanks guys.

Love Y'All,

Friends

my friends seem to be disappearing ever since i got out of the hospital. i have heard from 3 of them and nobody else. they may send me info on something but thats it....not say another word. i think that i am losing them all because of what i have now and quite frankly at this point it hurts and is the last thing i need. i want to curse but am trying not to. have been having problem with that lately. having a hard time controling it.

so, i guess its just the 3 i've heard from and my hubby. no one else cares and if they don't care why should I?

can't do anything right

the movie was really good. i liked it alot.

i have been working hard on our laundry trying to get it done and all put away. i washed one of my husbands shirts that had some free ticket in it for something on easter sunday and now he can't find it. he thinks i washed it. i swear i can't do anything right. we get something for free and i screw it up.

sometimes its just not worth trying. i have been working hard on our house etc and the more i do it seems the more i screw up and mess things up for him. or just mess things up in general.

why do i even bother to try to do what i am doing? we have been here 2 years next month and i am finally trying to make this house a home with curtains and decorations etc and it seems the more i do the more i screw up.

its just not worth it.

80s Music

Listening to 80s rock music on XM radio. Def Leppard is on now. Excellent group. Well, I think we found a christian support group. It took a lot of phone work on my part, but I think we found one. It's a Vineyard and we'll go this tuesday to check it out. It sounds good and everyone I dealt with from there was very nice. Pray that this will work out, otherwise I don't know what we're going to do. The other two groups we've tried were not good. We left both places feeling more depressed and hopeless than when we got there.

I do believe there is hope out there. It's just a matter of finding it. I hope this group at Vineyard works out. We were beginning to think we were going to have to start our own group and we had no idea how to do that.

Today was an ok day. I didn't feel that well this morning from my cold, but was able to get some stuff done nonetheless. We had to go to the store and eat when hubby got home and of course we couldn't agreee where to eat. That just pissed me off. Plus I hate driving in this town. People are just idiots and don't know how to drive properly.

We ended up eating at Bob Evans and it was ok. We were both starved so the food was ok, but our waitress sucked. And we told the cashier so when we left that our waitress was terrible. I hope she gets in trouble. We didn't leave her a very big tip cause the service was so bad. We couldn't get her for anything.

Blah.

Anyhow. We're gonna watch a movie tonight. 3:10 to Yuma. I have wanted to see it and frankly am in the mood to see a movie where there is alot of shooting etc. I hope it is good.

Oh, the results are back on the ultrasound but the doc wasn't in the office today. So, I have had to wait a 2ND day to find out what's going on. I am supposed to find out tomorrow one way or the other, but I am not holding my breath. I am just tired of the pain I am in there and hope she knows SOMETHING and will do something about it.

Anyways, guess I had better go so we can watch our movie. Hope you guys had a good day. Talk to ya later.

Love All Y'All.

Should be Asleep

i should be asleep, but am not. feeling pretty low tonight. we went to a support group and were thoroughly disappointed. i just don't know what to do. we need support, but every place we've tried leaves us feeling worse than when we went.

my hubby and i both have bad colds. doc said on monday that my lungs were clear, so no bronchitis yet. she will call something in if i get worse. hubby is just starting to feel lousey with sore throat etc. pray for us both, the last thing we need is to be sick.

haven't heard anything about ultrasound from last friday. called obgyn today and left message but they didn't call back. i am anxious to hear because the pain is there and some days almost unbearable.

well, i should go for now and get some sleep. planning to get out some tomorrow. lunch with mother in law and then maybe movie at the dollar theather. so i better get some sleep.

i love all y'all and thank you for being such a great support.

'night

Milly

A SPECIAL "SHOUT OUT" TO MILLY WHO TOOK THE TIME TO CALL ME TODAY AND MADE MY DAY. I HAD REALLY NOT BEEN DOING WELL AND TALKING WITH HER AND LAUGHING HELPED SO MUCH. I JUST WANTED TO SAY A BIG THANK YOU TO HER FOR BEING THERE AND BEING SUCH A SWEETHEART.

I LOVE YOU GIRL!

Nothing

i think i am going to quit everything. nobody has written or called and i've been "missing" for over 7 days. nobody cares and therefore i don't care. church was cancelled (again!) this morning due to the weather. i really needed it. i think we could have had it as most of the congregation lives close to the church, though some do not. i don't understand why everything was cancelled. people could have made it. i would have. i needed it this morning and now i have nothing.

i am so angry this morning. just angry. pissed at everything and everyone. i have found out my hubby is seeing a counselor but he won't tell me who he is seeing or who is paying for it cause we don't have the money. this has made me very upset. i am his wife and i feel i deserve to know who he is seeing and who is paying for it. he doesn't even know if she is a christian counselor which i think is bad.

my appt isn't until the 26th and frankly i don't think i am going to make it til then.

just so tired of life etc. tired of everything. need a vacation bad. i have asked my hubby to ask about the family leave act at work to help me through this and so far he hasn't asked. i told him he has to call tomorrow and ask. i want to know, we need some options.

anyhow. another sucky day. i don't think anyone will ever write or call again and frankly i am to the point that i don't care.