Give Up?

Ever have a day when you truly wanted to give up? I mean truly. Death. Kill yourself or wish you were dead in some other manner. So depressed that you don't see the meaning of going on with your life except for the fact that your husband tells you everyday that he needs you to stay here and be here.

Well, I ran across today's devotion by Oswald Chambers (boy could he write). Here is today's devotion:

"All or Nothing?"

Have you ever had a crisis in your life in which you deliberately, earnestly, and recklessly abandoned everything?? It is a crisis of the Will. You may come to that point many time externally, but it will amount to nothing. The true deep crisis of abandonment, or total surrender, is reached internally, not externally. The giving up of only external things may actually be an indication of your being in total bondage.

Have you deliberately committed your will to Jesus Christ? It is a transaction of the will, not of emotion; any positive emotion that results is simply a superficial blessing arising out of the transaction. If you focus your attention on the emotion, you will never make the transaction Do not ask God what the transaction is to be, but make the determination to surrender your will regarding whatever you see, whether it is in the shallow or the deep, profound places internally.

If you have heard Jesus Christ's voice n the waves of the sea, you can let your convictions and you consistency take care of themselves by concentrating on maintaining your intimate relationship to Him.

-John 21:7
Therefore that disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord". So when Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put his outer garment on (for he was stripped for work) , and threw himself into the sea. (NASB)

Do you have a burden you think you cannot bear? I know I do. In the past 6 weeks I have cut my wrists in order to possibly kill myself. The pain of losing friends and being kicked out of our group when we needed you the most, was just too much.

But I have had to remember to reach out to Jesus, no matter where I stand. When we went to church last week for the first time in quite a while I felt Him standing next to me 'saying Meg, I am right here, you need not fear for the things of the past but concentrate on me and the things of the future'.

I am not saying I am not still having my depressing days. And my days that I cry into my husbands arms and wonder what it is that I have done wrong to have everyone, but a few very strong ones (GOD BLESS YOU) stand with us. But we will make it. Hubby tells me every day, we will make it and we will go on to do the work that God wants us to do.

But I will tell you some days it is hard to hear and believe that. And some days, hubby has to believe for both of us. But between Oswald Chambers and the Bible, I am getting there. There are some books I would like to get that I think would help both of us. One is a Beth Moore book for me and the other is a book written by a woman who had been anorexic and now is bipolar and wonders if there is a connection. We both would like to get that and read it.

Anyhow, God is so good. I know that He is. My surgery is Monday and I was running out of pain pills the pain has been so bad that my doc graciously wrote a script for some more to help me get to Monday morning.

We have to be at the hospital at 8am. After that I don't know. Thanks to all who are reading thing and praying for us.

I hope this lesson has been a blessing to you. I know it was to me, terribly so.

Love ya'll